June 20, 2012: hmm, that's a good question. i don't know

"What do you do?"

 I get that question a lot these days. I wake up at 10AM and think about the things I could do. I could apply to more jobs, which initially started off as only fashion/styling related positions and now I find myself applying to just about anything... I could beef-up my portfolio. I could edit my website. I could do a lot. What do I do?

I choose to be scared shitless.

I am terrified of life. I am overwhelmed by life. I am laughing about this fear, too. This is mainly because nobody every teaches you to be scared and to handle those fearful feelings. Nobody says, "it's okay to be scared," really. I feel paralyzed with fear and anxiety that even though I'm twenty-three, even though I have a lot of life left to live, even though I'd be perfectly fine not having "the job" right now, even though this is a run-on sentence I am mortified I will make some major mistake right now in my life that will irrevocably change the way it's supposed to travel.

For the first time (in a very long time) I feel 100% emotionally responsible for myself. That is, my happiness is completely in my own hands. That's a scary thought.

"What do you do?"

I drink a lot of coffee and pretend I know what life is. (Insert witty remark here).

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