July 20, 2010: summer breeze makes me feel fine...

I get jealous when I hear about my adoptee friends who are in Korea.

I'm not actually jealous of them, though. I'm jealous that they have made a commitment to this whole Korea business. I guess that does make me jealous of them. Whatever. I get irritated with myself when I hear of their accomplishment; I consider moving temporarily to Korea an accomplishment for the sheer will-power and determination it takes in that situation. Those are qualities and traits I thought I had. Maybe I do have them, maybe I have a strong will and determination to commit to Korea, but right now I feel that if I do have those traits they are not manifesting into action. It is easy for me to sit here and say that I have the rest of my life to commit to Korea for some time. That is the truth, I know that. But the fact is I get scared that I'm missing my chance. I'm afraid that I'll keep saying that moving to Korea for a short while is something I want to do, something I'll get to eventually. I can say that right now school and graduating with a degree is the most important thing to me, but I'd be lying. School is my excuse to push moving to Korea into a secondary spot of importance; number two on the to do list. When I graduate, who knows? maybe I'll have a job offer too good to pass, then Korea might be backseated again. Do I want to keep pushing this seemingly important thing to me to the back burner constantly? I'm scared that one thing will lead to another, that school will lead to a job that will lead to another job, and that job would lead to meeting someone, and then what if I marry him? Then what? I am terrified that I'll wake up one morning and wonder where all the time went. I don't want to start living my life, a life defined by my own adventures, when I'm old, when I've already committed to someone else and that life.

Sometimes I feel like there are pieces of me that fit together so perfectly, but each individual piece has its own vibrancy that competes with that of the others. These parts of me vie and jockey for attention and consideration. I don't have the energy or focus to entertain these multiple-aspects. I always feel that my choice to focus on one piece softly kills and suppresses the urgency and calling-waves of the others. I dedicate myself to my art, I lose my drive and strive with establishing an adoptee identity. I choose being adopted over being gay and I end up feeling alone; I pick being gay over being a Korean American adoptee and I find myself out of touch with something that gives me a real humanity.

My therapist says this is probably due to my need of boundaries. Everything has its place, right? Or maybe I need to color outside of the lines.

1 comment:

  1. I wonder if it would be all right to add your blog to my blogroll?