May 17, 2010: a week

A week from today, May 10th, I turned 21. So, that's the generally accepted age of adulthood, I think. At least in the US it is. And while it's kid of exciting that I can order a drink at a bar or buy alcohol in the store, I'm less focused on those things.

A new friend, Minjae who hails from Korea, told me that May 5th was Children's Day in South Korea. In the midst of finals and finding a job for the summer I forgot to write this entry sooner. I'm dumbfounded, astounded really, by the way holidays fell into place this year. Children's Day was May 5th, Mother's Day was May 9th, and my birthday was May 10th. And if those three holidays don't summon up feelings of adoption for me, then I must be completely out of touch...

...But they did summon up feelings of adoption for me. Surprisingly these feelings weren't of sadness or loss. In fact, I kind of stood stupidly amazed at the revelation, only able to think one thing in my mind: Is my birthmother thinking of me?

The thought crossed my mind while in poetry class on the 5th, and I thought it would make an interesting poem (one I have yet to write). I wonder if my birthmother woke up that morning and felt some sort of loss over me. I know this is selfish to think, but I wondered if she paused at all that day to think about Jun Young Joon, about the child she gave up all those years ago. No doubt she must have children of her ow, right? I wondered if she focused extra hard on them on that day, trying so hard to compensate for her loss... maybe I just have an overactive imagination. And when Mother's Day hit here, I thought of her and what she must be doing, what she has been doing these almost 21 years. And on my birthday I wondered if she sat quietly in her room thinking about the smell of the hospital, or the whooshing sound of a truck outside of her clinic room, or the color of the scrubs the doctor wore when I was born. I wonder these things not to make my heart swell full of sadness, but because I am so fucking curious. I don't long to find some heart-to-heart connection, but rather I want to know who she has become.

So those days that happened to fall in this sequence in the year I turn 21 means something to me now. They make me even more curious :)

No comments:

Post a Comment