January 28, 2010: Babel...

I'd like to think that I'm a pretty grounded person. For example, I try to see the humor and humility in tripping over oneself after saying something snappy or sassy in the sewing studio; I also see the cosmic karma in that too. For the most part, I try to live my life not in the clouds (because so much of my childhood was spent in fantasy), but down here on the ground. Sometimes, however, I dig myself into a whole and dwell beneath the surface. Normally when I think too heavily about adoption, I sit in a very very deep hole.

I think there are good things and bad things to trying to be grounded. For one, I feel that I maintain a somewhat level-head (but at what level my head is remains suspect). At times my idea of "grounded" is shaken, and I realize that my ground-level is higher for me than someone else. So, I adapt to understand their idea of "grounded-ness". But here's the real question: Why?

Why questions are a species that I've never liked. I can't answer why-this or why-that. But, why do I continually change my perspective to fit that of others? I think I've fooled myself into thinking that if I alter my perspective to learn another's, then I'm learning. And maybe I am learning. Maybe by changing I am learning. But sometimes I just wish I could see someone change their perspective for me. Wouldn't that be the most romantic thing in the world? To see someone struggle to understand your point of view. Instead of saying the vanilla words, "I understand," you witness their brain twist and turn to try and understand you.

I wish I was understood, sometimes.


  1. i understand you peter. reading you loud and clear my friend...hugs, nuna (BMP)

  2. I guess I can't really understand you, Peter, but I accept you unconditionally; now please try to give yourself that gift. I do relate to approval-seeking thinking and behavior; I've done that all my life. Only now am I learning to value and love myself to realize all I have to be is ME--that's good enough. And you are more than good enough, Peter. Try to embrace and enjoy that!
    With (very chaste) love....