Okay, okay, so I should have had my car serviced back in August when I was home, but I had things to do! Anyway, driving into the parking lot I noticed something that I've always noticed, but for some reason it triggered something in me: I don't look like everyone else.
I know that I don't look Caucasian, although most of the time I feel Caucasian in side (a side effect of being adopted by white folk). But in my head I align myself with the majority, with the Caucasian group and then I realize that the looks people give me aren't because I'm so cute, or interesting looking, or that they like my hat. People see me as an Asian guy. I pray to God I don't come off as f.o.b-y (fresh off the boat).
I've found that I am trying to reclaim my Asian identity through befriending more Asian people and what might have started out as hanging out with people that look like me turns into becoming fast friends with some amazing people. And then I realize that it's not about what a person looks like, but who they are. Right?
Human interaction is spurred and started entirely by looks, by what you have on the outside (like your face, your beautiful face). People are shallow at first, this is true for everybody and I don't know why people deny it. You might be wildly attracted to a person's personality but if they aren't the most "attractive" then will you really and actually keeping talking to them? If you answered "yes" to this question, you are a) lying, b) not taking this seriously, or c) a butthead.
There is a duality of interracial adoption that nobody really warns anybody about. If I could I would go back in time and tell my young self that the way I look is too important and painful. This Asian outside is polarizing, it is definitive, and final. You look at me and I am Asian and people assume so much just on appearance and most of those assumptions do not apply to me, or I feel like they don't. Inside I am different and I am the person I want to be (most of the time) but outside I am not. And for me it's hard to date and hard to trust someone who might like me. I always have a voice in my head wondering if a guy likes me only because I look Asian. Too many guys have Yellow Fever and I feel like they are just let down by this person.... I lack anything remotely culturally Asian, I just got the physicality of it.
I wish this didn't matter so much to me.