Wednesday

September 30, 2009: 20 years ago...

Today is my Arrival Day and it still feels weird, even more so now after having been to Korea.

20 years a go today I arrived in this country and assumed the name of Peter Joshua Boskey; a name that is my own, I know that now, but one that I have struggled with in the past. And while I understand the joy and beauty that comes with the decision to give life (a far better one) to a child, I wrestle still with my Arrival Day. It is a day that is both happy and sad. It just adds to my emotional swings :)

Every arrival day I take a moment to reflect and I wonder if the life I live now is the one my birth mother had envisioned for me. I am so very lucky to have what I do have, to the point when words like "blessed" and "lucky" don't even fully express this emotion. I wonder if the life I live now is something to be proud of, and then I grow unsure, and falter.

Here is when I start my slow walk downward into the deepest part of my heart that isn't colored in warm tones of crimson and orange, but rather a numbing navy blue, where I am left alone with the reverberating echo of a heartbeat. Here is when I grow sad by the reality of the situation. My mother didn't want me. My mother didn't want me. My mother didn't want me. And I turn inward and feel the weight of something unnamed I carry...

I'm not sure how, or why, or when this happens but I always find myself delivered from that dark spot in my chest. I am in the moment, I smile, I laugh, I feel good about this place and my life. And in my new-found zest for all things present, I forget the reality of the situation and that makes everything feel.....digestible.

So, on this day, when I sit and reflect on the fact that I have been living in this country for 2 decades (wow!), I find it odd that I have yet to go through this process and I wonder if I'll go through it at all. Will this year be different since it is post-Korea? Will I feel some sort of peace this year?

I doubt it.

2 comments:

  1. Of course, I have no clue what you're experiencing as an adoptee, but as a gay man, if I adopted from a foreign country, I would maintain the given name of the precious child I adopted. I see no reason why a change of name is necessary in the process.

    Best of luck in your journey ...

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  2. Hey Peter, i can't speak for your mother... but maybe it wasn't the case that she didn't want you, but just couldn't do it. As a gay man (or a woman, as is my case) didn't you face a lot of nonverbal judgment in Korea? And that is what we have now, in 2009/2010. 10 years ago, it was far worse. I can't even imagine how hard life would have been for a woman 20 years ago. Please don't assume that she didn't want you. maybe she did, but she just couldn't handle the realities of a child, or maybe you were stolen from her by your granparents and given to an orphanage (I've heard stories like that), or maybe she was sick or dying of hunger (that also still happened 20 years ago). There are thousands of reasons why your birthmother could have given you up, and as a woman of childbearing age, i think it is doubtful that it is because she didn't want you.

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