20 years a go today I arrived in this country and assumed the name of Peter Joshua Boskey; a name that is my own, I know that now, but one that I have struggled with in the past. And while I understand the joy and beauty that comes with the decision to give life (a far better one) to a child, I wrestle still with my Arrival Day. It is a day that is both happy and sad. It just adds to my emotional swings :)
Every arrival day I take a moment to reflect and I wonder if the life I live now is the one my birth mother had envisioned for me. I am so very lucky to have what I do have, to the point when words like "blessed" and "lucky" don't even fully express this emotion. I wonder if the life I live now is something to be proud of, and then I grow unsure, and falter.
Here is when I start my slow walk downward into the deepest part of my heart that isn't colored in warm tones of crimson and orange, but rather a numbing navy blue, where I am left alone with the reverberating echo of a heartbeat. Here is when I grow sad by the reality of the situation. My mother didn't want me. My mother didn't want me. My mother didn't want me. And I turn inward and feel the weight of something unnamed I carry...
I'm not sure how, or why, or when this happens but I always find myself delivered from that dark spot in my chest. I am in the moment, I smile, I laugh, I feel good about this place and my life. And in my new-found zest for all things present, I forget the reality of the situation and that makes everything feel.....digestible.
So, on this day, when I sit and reflect on the fact that I have been living in this country for 2 decades (wow!), I find it odd that I have yet to go through this process and I wonder if I'll go through it at all. Will this year be different since it is post-Korea? Will I feel some sort of peace this year?
I doubt it.