August 19, 2009: And every time I've held a rose...

I don't know why or how this happened but something has changed within me. Rarely do people get to feel the sudden discomfort of change. Most of the time I feel change gradually, that is only when I reflect do I feel the transition. I can feel myself changing at this moment...

It's peculiar and different, and I'm not sure I like it. And this feeling is a far cry from the usual loneliness I feel, and it's not the same as when I introvert before leaving home. I feel at odds with myself, like the long war within me is finally reaching its major battle -- and it's taking its toll on me.

For example: my entire family is in our summer house in Cape Cod, but I am here. Granted I did just have surgery and needed the time before school to rest, but I chose to stay at home by myself. The quiet of the house is comforting, in some weird way. When nobody is around I can feel the pull my spirit has succumbed to. I am being pulled away from all I know and love here, towards something both new and old at the same time, that feels so right in my heart. I let this happen. I feel so secure as this happens.

I've never realized how insecure I felt here in the States until I went back to Korea. I am 8 days removed from my trip to Seoul and I think it's setting in. I felt comfortable and secure in Korea, in a way I've never felt before, even in my own home. I don't know how to explain it, but the loneliness I sometimes feel in the States was gone when I was in Korea. I miss that. So, I'm letting this pull happen because what pulls me in is my security.

1 comment:

  1. I know how you feel. I felt that certain strangness when I came back too...but when people asked "you know it will pass and you cannot go live there." I would shake my head and totally agree and though my thoughts differred. And eventually, I settled back into life here making there like a wonderful dream that I hope to revisit. who knows, if I did live there..would I feel like an outsider?I guess, for me, I will never least for now. take care.