Monday

July 27, 2009: And it just keeps coming back...

There is this welling discomfort in my gut, like I've been recovering from a sucker-punch to my stomach. It's slow and pulsating, but not painful. I don't clench my side like it's slicing through me, or collapse on the ground from a wave of agony. It's an understated discomfort in my gut. I think this is where my discomfort with adoption manifests in my being.

I have long believed that the pit-feeling in my chest was my adoption; that hopelessness and aguish of not knowing who I am. I used to think that this feeling, plaguing my heart, was my adoption. But now I think otherwise. That feeling in my chest used to make me stop and gasp, it made me feel so lost that I would stay shut up in my bed, keeping to myself, tending to my wounds. Sometimes, it still does. I don't think that pain is my adoption, however. It feels to sudden, too gripping to be related.

So, this discomfort in my belly has to be it, it has to be where my adoption afflicts my body. The hurt is slow, it is constant, it radiates to my limbs and back to the epicenter, and I bear it. I stand this discomfort. I've been living with it for my whole life and I carry it with me always. Maybe this is what adoption is? Maybe this is what I'm hoping to heal in Seoul...

Just maybe?

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