June 8, 2009: Why can't I just do it?

Around this time last summer I was making promises to myself that I broke. I kept saying to myself that I would try and learn a decent amount of Korean. I had pledged that I would do all the emotional preparing I needed. I had vowed that a year from that time I would be in Korea.

I've broken all of those promises. I hate that.

I have this deep seeded guilt about not visiting Korea this summer (like I had originally planned on doing). I don't know how something so important, something to monumental, could have slipped my mind. The truth is I got caught up in the newness of college, the exciting experiences I was gaining, the interesting people I was getting to know. I forgot about Korea. :( I don't like that I let that part of me slip into the background of who I am. It is a major part of who I am and I love that. Being a Korean adoptee puts me in a small group of people that all share this incredible life story. We will always have something inherently different than others. 

I am not surprised, however, that I dropped the ball. The nature of my relationship with being adopted fluctuates from time to time. Right now (and the same time last summer) I started going through a very thick and intense adoption phase. I find myself going onto websites and looking up facts about South Korea, or places to do and see in Seoul. Right now I'm looking at prices for plane trips to Korea. I want to go so badly. I am pissed that I didn't do the application and go on the trip like I always meant to, like I'm supposed to do, like I needed to do.

So I have an urge to plan my own trip to Korea in August. I wouldn't do anything to grand or epic as a Motherland Tour. But I would to be in the country, feel the pulse of the city, be in a crowd of people that look like me. I was to hold onto some part of South Korea that isn't my adoption, or the documents from my agency. I want to get lost in this place that could have been mine and come back with new eyes.

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