Thursday

May 14, 2009: Everything is changing...

Everything is changing. Everything has changed. All the rules I learned back then don't apply any longer. I am playing a new game without strategy, without a plan, without sight. Everything is different.

The rules by which we engage in life change from time to time. Like each phase of living has a different context, a set of codes to conduct by. I am in the middle. I can't be as I was in high school and I cannot live by the code of adulthood. Being 20 sucks. The way I interact with people cannot be unfulfilling as it was in high school. Back then, resting my legs on someone's lap was a moment of intimacy. If I do that now, I will get too attached. I am young. I shouldn't want to be rooted now.... right?

I visited my old high school today and saw some friends who graduated with me and some that are still at the school. I gained perspective while talking with my close friend, Nathan, over coffee (and a cookie). Nathan is different. I don't know how to place it but something has changed about him, and this isn't a negative thing; change is always good for the growing soul. He has thinned out, which is one physical change I noticed first. The next is he lacks that sparkle he had before. This usually comes with a new found sense of realism. Realism is an important attribute for anybody to have, but it is also equally important to entertain realism's brother, dreamism. It has been a growing year for me, but seeing Nathan today, I realized two things:
1) It has been a growing year for others as well
2) I didn't realize how much I was missing him (close male friends are hard to come by for me)

There is a lot to be said about absence. I lack the eloquence to illustrate the entirety of absence, but I will say this... It is rotting and haunting and so perfectly simple. Absence is missing, missing is caring, caring is love. And I love, or at least try to. I try to love with everything I do. Sometimes I worry people don't see it, that they don't feel it. I try to let my love flow, sometimes sporadically, but it flows. Love fills absence. If you are not here with me, you are absent, and I miss you. I miss you because I care, and I care because I love you. This truth I hold dearly when you're not around.

Do you miss someone? If so, it's okay to miss them because chances are they are missing you too ;)

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